One of the most common problems that patients ruminate about is feeling their significant others have strong negative feelings about them such as anger, lost love, disappointment and embarrassment. Some pain patients worry and ruminate about these issues for days and at times months with the consequences of more profound depression and disease.

 

This issue has a simple solution. Why not ask? Many will respond to such a suggestion with “well they’ll just deny it but I won’t believe them”. Could there be an irrational thought involved in that response. Could it be that the person is assuming that they are worthless when they cannot do exactly what they used to do. It has been my experience that when couples have any longevity of a relationship, and given the right circumstances and the right timing, a question such as “are you angry with me” will be answered honestly.

Try these two suggestions:

1) The approach and the timing of such a question is of great importance. Such a question is too important to be brought up when there are other pressing issues that might distract or confound the issue, i.e., family arguments or tension. Find a time that is more relaxed and without tension or external events.

2) It’s also important to be very clear you are not blaming when asking such a question. For example, one might say “I know that you have not had any intention for me to feel what I’ve been feeling. You probably are not even aware that I have these uncomfortable feelings, but you see I have a problem in that my pain causes me to doubt what I have in the past not doubted. My problem is I’m feeling that you are angry with me”.

 

If the answer is yes accept it and begin the process of problem solving thereby taking control of the issue by looking at what changes can be made within your power. Remember that we are only in control from our nose in and anything outside our nose is outside our control. This whole issue touches on an irrational concept that has often been called Mind Reading. Which means assuming that you know what another is thinking. It is so much easier to just ask.
It has been my experience when asking very personal questions, one feels childish and immature. Those questions are never seen by the others as childish or immature. What is happening is they are such old feelings that we remember them as feelings of a child. If you begin to feel you are being childish or immature in asking such questions, it is an indication of how important it is for those questions to be asked. Write out the answer and stick it up on our bathroom mirror so that you can continue to remind yourself of the truth.

Let me know of your experiences or questions concerning asking important questions.


Gene Hawkins, Ph.D.